Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

(Lyrics by Jon McLaughlin)

The Run Down

Let me try to catch you all up of whats been happening in my world over the last month and whats coming up.

I got my new camera!! I LOVE it. I got the Nikon D80, and have named it! (oh yes, I figure if I name this and love it, it will be very good to me and not die). So its name is Alsan. He arrived just in time for lots of work...

I was asked to take family portraits by my friends mom. It had been a good ten years since they had family pictures taken. So of course I said. It was my first photos with my new camera! To check them out click here

For the third year in a row I was asked to photograph the Thomas Kinkade Master's Event for the Monterey and Carmel galleries. Three days of photography and about 1,000 shots! Now its editing them down, putting them in order, creating a dvd, adding music and finalizing everything before November 12th. Wish me luck!!!

Next up, a fund raising event for the Monterey Institute of International Studies. The event is tonight at the La Mirada Museum. I was asked to come and take photos from some c0-workers who fell in love with my photographs from the Philippines. At first I was kind of hesitant to respond to their request, because normally is family and close friends that are very excited about my work, not so much people I don't know that well. It was however very flattering to hear their very kind words and excitement about working with me. So that event is tonight, I'm excited and a bit nervous. I think I get like that before anything I do, because I don't want to let anyone down, especially if I'm hired by them.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off!!!! A bit excited about that. I hope to sleep in a little, get some more time to work on the photos from the Kinkade event. However, I guess its not a full day off, well it is from the office, but I was asked again by my co-workers to come and photograph a Translation and Interpretation forum that will be happening on campus tomorrow afternoon in hopes to get some new photos for the website. So we'll see how those turn out also.

It is about five and a half weeks until I take off to see my sister! Seriously I wish I could explain my excitement of this trip in better ways, but I just don't know how. I finally get to see my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for two and a half weeks!!! The last time I spent even a week with them (actually it wasn't just with them) was last Christmas. Most of our time however was spent with family especially towards the end of my time back home, when my grandfather passed away. I don't think I have spent even a week with just them since they moved from Monterey to Maryland two years ago and I haven't spend this much time with Jed ever! Talk about a really sweet trip this is going to be. Not only to I get to see them, but I get to go to England and we all are obviously going to Italy together.

I've been missing having family around for a while, but in the past few months it has been really bad. I keep thinking of how awesome it would be to live closer to Sara, Jay and Jed someday (hopefully soon). And I pray that it happens. Who knows where they will end up next, but I'm hoping its where I will end up also. It's been harding just seeing my nephew grow up in pictures and video clips online. He's the only one I got (right now), and I wish I was able to see him more. Be able to watch him so they could go and have a date night. I would love to be able to help my sister out when she's sick or Jed's sick and she needs to get stuff done. So we'll see, but again, hopefully soon.

So my friend Topher sent me a message the other day asking what I was doing on December 2nd and if I wasn't doing anything, would I be interested in going on a 8 hour boat ride to take pictures of whales and creatures while being taught by professional photographers! Ummm, heck yes I would!! Boat, Pictures, Sea Creatures, Pictures, need I say any more?? We leave before the sun rises so we can catch that while we are out too!

My birthday is coming up. I crack myself up because every years I get sooooo excited about it for like three months in advance. When it starts to get closer, my excitement goes away. Mind you this lack of excitement has nothing to do with getting older, I could care less. I have no idea but I just am not very excited about it. I don't want anything huge or crazy, just dinner and something really low key and laid back. I'll be the big 26 this year.

I'm doing a bible study online with my sister and a bunch of girls (we are all spread across the U.S. so its pretty cool). We are doing the Beth Moore study on the Fruit of the Spirit. With everything else going on, I've been really behind on it, but trying to catch up. I'm enjoying it and getting kicked in the butt by a lot of it.

Lately I've just been having a hard time, if you see me regularly, you would notice. Hiding my emotions is not my strong suit. Its written all over my face. So Sara suggested I skip to the third video, she says I would relate a lot with it. And oh boy did I ever. Its all about Rejection. One thing that Beth touched on was with all relationships there is the risk of rejection. I can say with everything in me that is why I don't keep many friends. I don't have lasting relationships, and I can barely keep one with God some days. We've all experienced rejection and I'm not saying that I have more than anyone else, but I know for myself that my rejection is extremely deep rooted. It sucks. I have a hard time loving myself, loving others and letting anyone love me. They can say they do but I tend to doubt people. Stubbornness doesn't help much either. I got about halfway threw the video (in tears) and still need to finish the rest (probably need to watch it another 5 times to let it all sink in). I'm a work in progress.

When things go wrong, I try my hardest to run (China, California...where next?). I hate confrontation. I would much rather close my blinds, shut my door, curl up in a ball, sleep it off or look for the next place to go then to ask for help, a huge or open my bible. Knowing very well that its not going to work. When will I learn? I know what to do, but I feel stuck. Its within my grasp yet I don't even try, I just stare. Why? Again...I'm a work in progress

I'm sick of crying.

Untitled

Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.
Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.
Speak to my pain and confusion.
Speak through my fears and my pride.
Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.

I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,
In a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.
And I know that you said there is more to life.
And I know I am not satisfied.
But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.

I've known now, for quite a while, that I am not whole.
I've remembered the body and the mind,
But disected my soul.
Now something inside is awakening,
Like a dream I once had and forgot.
And it's something I'm scared of
And something I don't want to stop.

And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portait.
Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.
And I thought it would be hard to believe in
But it's not hard at all.
To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place.
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.
And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.
It's not just a metaphor for love.
The blood is real and it's not just a sybol of your faith.

So leave out the thee and thou and speak now.
(Awakening, Lyrics by Sara Groves)

This song pretty much sums it up way better than I ever could.

I know I need to write an update, I promise to do that soon. I've been busy with lots of photo stuff, some of which is really exciting. I've been stressed and overwhelmed. In need of a day off or vacation. I need some rest and some sleep. I have a lot to get finished over the next week! Then just maybe I will get some rest.

New

After a very tough decision I've finally decided to not fix the D70 and to instead put the money I would spend fixing that one to a new one. So I am planning to order the D80 soon.

I called the other day after I got the estimate on how much it would cost to fix the D70 and was told it could go up from there, they weren't sure exactly what was wrong with the camera and wouldn't fully know until they opened it up. I laid it all out: how old this one is, the cost to fix it, upgrading etc. I was planning to get a new one next year, so I thought I had plenty of time to save for it, and the D70 went crazy all of a sudden, but I'm going to bite the bullet and just upgrade.

I feel lost with out my camera. It has been a very rough week or so. Guess I will add the D70 to my "camera grave yard" (a.k.a. collection of cameras, theres a lot!)

Trigger

Trigger had a photo shoot last night, thanks to Topher. Check out more photos at Tophers Flickr site. Thanks Toph.

New Pet

Out on our porch there is a huge spider web. In that huge web lives my new pet...a black widow spider, which I named trigger. I would post a picture but oh ya thats right, I have no camera. If he is out tomorrow morning and there is enough light for me to take a picture with my cell phone, I will. But for now picture a nice friendly (ha ha) black widow spider with the hourglass on its back!

I also woke up this morning to one of the most beautiful sunrises I have seen since living here. The colors were priceless with the clouds and again no picture. I did try to take one with my cell phone, but that was pointless.

Oh No

My camera is sick. Last night I tried to upload some photos I took this weekend at the beach and well it didn't go very well. I looked at them on my camera before uploading like usual, plugged it in and the rest is just a mystery to me. Some uploaded (but not well, kind of overlapping and color blocks) while others are just corrupted and no image is there...gone forever. I freaked out last night and wanted to call my dad but realized it was 3am his time so I should probably go to bed and call in the morning my time.

I told him what happened, went to the local camera store, was on the phone with Nikon at least six times today trying to figure out what is wrong, what to do and how much its going to cost me. I finally decided to send it back to Nikon in hopes that they can fix what ever is going on with my camera. I hear fixing it can cost $200 and up (I hope not much more than that). I have no idea how long this is going to take and if they can actually fix it so we'll just have to wait and see. However, I have an event at the end of October that I'm supposed to be photographing...ya a little hard to do with out a camera, but thanks to an awesome friend I can borrow his if needed.

If my camera can't be fixed I have no idea what I will do. Can't afford a new one thats for sure, and Italy is coming up...can't go to Italy with out a camera. But we'll see what Nikon says once they look at it. It should arrive there on Monday. I packaged it up (double boxed and wrapped in bubble wrap), insured for $1,000.00 and sent it off tonight. I feel kind of weird not having my camera. Its pretty much been by my side since I got it two and a half years ago. I don't like this. Was almost of the verge of tears all day over this.

Check out the examples from the last upload:
Nice little over lap there...
and we can't forget that great huge color block
Not that these are the best pictures ever but, it this was to happen after say the event I supposed to be doing, I would be screwed. I could see them perfectly fine one my camera before I uploaded and then everything went wrong.

A sad sad day.

3 Months

Let the count down officially begin.
Only three more months until I fly to England and three months from tomorrow I get to see and hug my sister (Jay and Jedd too).
Our little family reunion is just around the corner.
Italy is that much closer.
I still can't believe we are actually going.
Very excited to be doing this trip with Sara, Jay and Jed.
If I could add one additional person it would be Dianne.

As stressful as it is when I look at how much this trip is really going to cost and how easily I find myself getting overwhelmed with trying to save money, plan with them being so far away, its going to be worth every second. The time together, the places we'll see, the experiences, the memories, the getting lost in Venice, every little thing is worth it. This will be the longest I have seem my sister, Jay and Jed since before Jed was even born! A whole two and a half weeks together. Just starting to prepare for our future of living near each other. :)

Places we hope to see/do:
Venice
Florence
Rome
Traghetto or Vaporetto - Canal Gondola Ride
San Marcos Square
Michelangelo's David (Galleria Della'Accademia
Piazzale Michelangelo
Leaning Tower of Pisa
Vatican City
St. Peter's Square
Closseum
Sistine Chapel
Pantheon
Maybe even hear the Pope speak on New Years Day

Can't wait to see the beauty of this Country , eat the amazing food and take part in a little bit of the wine. Ohh and we can't forget the tiramisu (meig I will be sure to have a piece for you)

I need to start buying more chips for my camera, I plan to take as many photos as I possibly can!

Only three more months!

Tread Lightly...

"... But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

To go or not to go...

I've been thinking of going back to school for a little while now. I had my performance review at work not to long ago, and the only real suggestion was for me to finish my degree. I had already been thinking of doing so before it was brought up but now I'm really thinking about it.

I have been doing some research on different options:
1. Look into Chapman University. They have classes one night a week each from 6-10 and could finish the reaming 3/4 of my degree there...but when the financial breakdown comes up...that doesn't look like the best option. I will be attending an info session there next Tuesday to better look at it.
2. Complete some more general education courses at MPC and either continue on to CSUMB or complete my degree online. I am planning to meet with an Admissions rep from MPC next month to see what else I can take and when. A less expensive option but way longer.
3. Do option two or start with online courses now. Expense wise...probably in the middle of options 1 and 2. The online program I am looking at is at U Mass.

UMass offers a BA in Liberal Arts (which is what I was working towards), but they have a focus in Woman's Studies:
"Women’s Studies Concentration
The Women’s Studies Concentration explores the history of women in societies throughout the world – providing students with an understanding of how social and cultural influences have shaped the lives and roles of women throughout history. For graduates, there is a growing demand in the workforce for experts on gender issues. In fact, women's studies specialists are increasingly being used as consultants in both the public and private sector. Graduates of this concentration receive all the benefits of a well-rounded liberal arts education, plus advanced knowledge of issues particularly affecting women in the workplace today."

The good thing about UMass online degrees, they are 100% fully accredited and you get a degree from the UMass that you are admitted to. For example, the one I am looking at would be UMass Lowell. That's pretty darn sweet if you ask me. I've always liked UMass...pretty sure I had a UMass hoodie when I was younger.

For now I am still doing research, hoping to have more of a plan and begin taking more classes come the new year. So many options, so much money. I have no idea how I am going to afford this, but we will see. Going back to school makes me a little nervous.

After working here at MIIS for almost two years now, I realized that after the first year I could start taking some classes. I was thinking about taking one next semester, but I found one I really wanted to take and it only happens in the Fall. So this weekend I am taking a work shop (Friday 6-9, Saturday 9-5 and Sunday 9-2) on Human Trafficking. The recommended reading for this course is the 240 page TIP report.

(this the 100th post on here, glad you all have enjoyed them)