Tuesday, February 26, 2008

These Walls That Surround Me

Walls are built for protection. Protection against many things such as the elements or people. I built walls (not literally) as protection. Some who know me well would say the wall I have built is about the size of the Great Wall. Nothing to be proud of by the way.

I've been hurt, we all have and we all deal with it in different ways. Mine methods would be the walls I've built, letting very few people in the secret door and even more common sarcasm. Some say if you are from the East Coast, you are born with it.

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately, my way of dealing with things, and I think it hit me a little harder when I posted the "Tour Bus For One" blog. I'm not sad or anything, actually while writing this I'm in a pretty good mood.

The Wall:

I let few people in, very few actually. Why? Fear. There are plenty of people that I will let in to an extent and be social and have a somewhat superficial relationship, but when it comes down to getting to really know me, knowing those things that make me tick or even smile...that is where the few people come in. I hide behind my camera, books, movies and music. Some (ok including myself) would say I'm anti-social, a loner, better off alone etc and to some extent they are true. I enjoy my time, I don't like crowds of people, I do enjoy going out but don't mind being a home-body at all.

For those who are close to me I will open up, share whats actually going on with me, the good and the bad. With them the fear of rejection and humiliation is a lot less than with others. These people I know will not turn their backs, will accept me as I am. To me these people are hard to come by. Maybe its because I don't trust people much, that I don't get to see the potential of them, but again its fear that holds me back. I will bend over backwards for these people and give the shirt off my back if needed, and in doing so not expect anything in return. I value these people so much and have learned a lot from them and our relationships.

I love to give things (not always have the means to do it but I enjoy it). I've learned over the years that people will fail you (I will fail you and you will fail me, its reality), so I do my best not to expect anything in return.


I use this way to much. It keeps people at a safe distance. I figure if I keep them at that distance (what ever it may be), there is less of a chance for me to get hurt. The hard part is how to not be so sarcastic...

Recently a friend asked me some questions and of course I can spit out any sarcastic smart ass answer and come up with a huge list for you, but when it boiled down to giving an honest answer...I couldn't bring myself to do it. (And sadly this person is one who knows me well and I've let in but obviously not all the way). Why did I hold back (AGAIN)? Probably because this question was leading to a place where even fewer get let in...a place where I am extremely vulnerable. Part of me just wanted to bust out the truth with these answers but was so afraid of laughter on their end, I didn't do it.

After this conversation a huge part of me wants to just throw the towel in, break down the walls and go out there and see what happens...hopefully I'll get there. I guess one day at a time, just keep chipping away. Seriously, whats the worst that can happen...I'll be disappointed? (to this person I've very thankful)

"Here's to living in the moment..." (jimmy eat world)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Stormy Skies

I know I shouldn't complain because everyone back home is getting slammed with snow, but I'm starting to get sick of our rain. I guess this is the extent of our storms out here, which is kind of sad if you stop to think of it...no thunder, no lightning, just rain and some winds, but nothing compared to back home. Last year we did get a few small hail storms, but that was it. I have to admit I actually miss thunder, especially on a hot summer night when it shakes your whole house. For now I guess its just rain. I have to say though, there is one thing I look forward to during these so called storms...the amazing skies and clouds.

Last night Luke and I went up to the roof of his work to take some photos and above are two that I took. It was cold as heck but worth it in my opinion. The sky was breathtaking.

Not much going on around here, sorry for the lack of updates.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

"Tour Bus Built For One"


I saw this card last night, bought it and put it in a frame, sadly this speaks volumes about me...

"She wasn't much of a joiner. She hated groups, clubs, sororities, memberships, organizations, societies, gangs, crews, mobs, posses, crowds etc. She preferred to exist as a self-contained unit - a solo artist - on a tour bus built for one."

(Got to love hallmark)

Sunday, February 03, 2008


The picture above may be a bit odd or even disturbing to some people, but please read on and I will explain.

I chose today to write about this for two reasons, I received an invite on Facebook to attend Love is the Movement (February 13) with an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms and because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. (suicide rates are at their highest during this time of year)

Many of you who will read this know the story or at lest some of it. Some of which you may try to forget and pretend it doesn’t exits and some of you may be learning of this for the first time. I on the other hand will never forget this and am daily reminded by the scars on my wrist (picture above). I won’t go into all the details because this could go on for a long time.

For years I suffered with depression, suicide and cutting issues. It started when I was pretty young and continued on until my early twenties. Most of my depression and rebellion was blamed on my parent’s divorce, moving around and all the stress that caused. I was sent to see school counselors, and others not in the school system. Me being the stubborn person I am, decided I didn’t need to talk to them or try to work out any of my “issues”. Instead I turned to cutting…figuring a physical wound would justify the pain of the emotional ones.

The firs time I attempted suicide it was my wrists that I cut, then I attempted my neck and eventually gave up on the suicide attempts and just started cutting. Again with my wrists, my ankles, and any other place you couldn’t notice very well. Most of these attempts were when I was home, in the next room from family…after coming to my sense and realizing this wasn’t the answer I would just jump in the shower, try to wipe it all away and go on pretending life was just fine.

Now, I know people reading this are thinking a few things right now and some common thoughts to stories such as these are:
“This is stupid”, “ Why would anyone ever do such a thing”, “There is more to life than this”, “People who do this are dumb” etc…. Oh I’ve heard it all let me tell you. But from a person who has dealt with this, let me just say, its not as easy as you think. Yes, obviously there is more to life than this but when you are so depressed you don’t see those options. You don’t see those around you who love you and want to help you. You have tunnel vision. You think the world would be a better place with out you, but truth is…it won’t be. You are here for a reason, we all are. So instead of these comments, and if you know someone who is hurting in this way…help them. Reach out a hand and just love them. Don’t tell them they are wrong and stupid, Try LOVE and a bit of GRACE.

It has been almost six years since I have attempted anything or cut myself. Its been a long hard journey but a good one that has taught me a lot of things not just about myself but God.

I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I am good now, I’ve grown and realized that yes there is more out there and there’s a plan and a purpose for me being here. I have always been an open book…ask me a question and I’ll answer. But I do write this for people who are suffering, have suffered, or you have a friend or loved one in a situation like this…there is hope!! One resource is an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms Please take a few minutes to check them out! They are amazing in what they do and I wish that when I was dealing with this they were around.

The picture above is of my wrist with the areas of some of my scars highlighted in red.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Published on Shmap

Check it out....I've officially been published on a website called Shmap!

A photo I took of Faneuil Hall (Boston) a few winters ago was picked for consideration and I got an e-mail today saying it was published. For the direct link to the section my photo was published on click here