Monday, February 26, 2007

Selfishness


(most of you who know me know this side of me)

So this week I watched a movie called Paradise Now to sum it up quickly its a foreign film that is about suicide bombers. Something about that movie that hit me really hard and I couldn't figure out exactly what it was, but I think I know.

The whole act of what they do is so they can be in "Paradise", but someone in the movie asked "what about us who remain here", and they are right what about those people you leave behind. Now I'm not really talking about "suicide bombers", but suicide in general. What a selfish act. You take your life but never think twice about the ones you leave behind to clean up the mess. They are the ones that have to live with this every day of their lives. They have to pick up the pieces daily and start all over again. Why do they have to do this? Because you can't handle life, its to rough, nothing is working to your plan, no one loves you...oh the list I could make here. But life is never that bad, no break up is ever that bad, nothing is ever bad enough to take your own life and leave a mess for those you love and better yet for those who love you. You may think this is the easy way out, but its not.

Why can I say this with such conviction? Because I have been there, I struggled with suicidal thoughts (and actions for that matter), depression and cutting for many many years. Its been hard to overcome but its possible. The scars on my wrists will never let me forget, and will always be a reminder of where I have been, how far I have come and God's love. Love is possible. Rescue is possible. Ask for help. Seek God. Seek counsel. Seek wisdom.

When I was dealing with this I was younger, I was sent to talk with psychiatrists, put on some meds for depression, but honestly only one thing only got me threw all of this and that was God, for that I am forever grateful.

To help those who struggle or if you are struggling with this check out www.twloha.com (To Write Love On Her Arms). They are an amazing organization that help people with issues of depression, cutting and suicide. I wish there were resources like this when I was dealing with this.

I'm sorry to those I hurt in this selfishness of mine. Looking back I now realize the hurt and damage this could of caused if I continued down this path. I didn't realize then how selfish I really was.
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