Friday, January 20, 2006

I'm Not Fine

Ok well its been close to two months since I last updated this page. Sorry about that.

Lets see...I still have a job, its great. I'm really enjoying where I work and the people I work with.

I don't still have a boyfriend however. Yup you read it right, single yet again. Here's the break down. Everything was fine (or so I thought), I went home for almost two week for Christmas, came back on the 29th, and on New Years Eve we decided to take a two week break and pray about some things. About a week and a half into the break it ended. The first two week of the break I cried my eyes out, because I had a guy feeling that this was going to end, but never wanted to truly admit it out loud. I basically avoided talking to family and friends back home during this because I didn't want them to sense that something was wrong and I wasn't up for explaining it at that point, hoping that I would never have to.

So for about the first week or so after the break up anytime anyone would ask how I was doing my generic answer was "I'm fine...Its good, we are still friends". When in reality I wasn't fine, I'm still not fine. I got hurt, and I still hurt. This sucks. Mostly because I lost my best friend. I finally had my "breakdown" the other night. I just wanted to scream "I HURT" "I'M NOT FINE". Is that what everyone wanted to hear? I'm sure they were all thinking it, but I thought I was playing it off just fine. I couldn't bring myself to admit the fact that I was hurting, I don't know why. Its not like lying about it was helping me at all. Me lying to everyone else wasn't doing anything either...Seriously what was the point? It's not like this effected their lives. Why was (am I) I so ashamed to admit that I got hurt? Why does this bother me so much? I felt weak, and like a fool. A fool for allowing myself to be deceived and lied to yet again. I started to ask myself, "What were you thinking? Didn't you see any signs from the last time?" Maybe what they say is true, "third times a charm". I guess we'll have to wait and see about that one. I already find myself leary of future situations. Will I be able to trust someone again. Will I allow myself to go through something and take a risk at being hurt. Have I truly become this cynical? Do wonderfully amazing men only appear in books and movies? Maybe I read and watch movies too much. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

We are going to try and remain friends. I would love this more than anything, but its going to take a lot of time, work and building of trust. It's just not going to happen over night and I needed to realize that. This aren't going back to "normal", they can't. Maybe someday eventually there can be a new normal, but that is far off in the distance. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, and hopefully a great friend again some day.

So now I'm trying to find other things to fill my time with. My normal fall back is taking pictures. I guess I'll start doing more of that, and hopefully update my site again soon with some new photos.