I'm Not Fine

Ok well its been close to two months since I last updated this page. Sorry about that.

Lets see...I still have a job, its great. I'm really enjoying where I work and the people I work with.

I don't still have a boyfriend however. Yup you read it right, single yet again. Here's the break down. Everything was fine (or so I thought), I went home for almost two week for Christmas, came back on the 29th, and on New Years Eve we decided to take a two week break and pray about some things. About a week and a half into the break it ended. The first two week of the break I cried my eyes out, because I had a guy feeling that this was going to end, but never wanted to truly admit it out loud. I basically avoided talking to family and friends back home during this because I didn't want them to sense that something was wrong and I wasn't up for explaining it at that point, hoping that I would never have to.

So for about the first week or so after the break up anytime anyone would ask how I was doing my generic answer was "I'm fine...Its good, we are still friends". When in reality I wasn't fine, I'm still not fine. I got hurt, and I still hurt. This sucks. Mostly because I lost my best friend. I finally had my "breakdown" the other night. I just wanted to scream "I HURT" "I'M NOT FINE". Is that what everyone wanted to hear? I'm sure they were all thinking it, but I thought I was playing it off just fine. I couldn't bring myself to admit the fact that I was hurting, I don't know why. Its not like lying about it was helping me at all. Me lying to everyone else wasn't doing anything either...Seriously what was the point? It's not like this effected their lives. Why was (am I) I so ashamed to admit that I got hurt? Why does this bother me so much? I felt weak, and like a fool. A fool for allowing myself to be deceived and lied to yet again. I started to ask myself, "What were you thinking? Didn't you see any signs from the last time?" Maybe what they say is true, "third times a charm". I guess we'll have to wait and see about that one. I already find myself leary of future situations. Will I be able to trust someone again. Will I allow myself to go through something and take a risk at being hurt. Have I truly become this cynical? Do wonderfully amazing men only appear in books and movies? Maybe I read and watch movies too much. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

We are going to try and remain friends. I would love this more than anything, but its going to take a lot of time, work and building of trust. It's just not going to happen over night and I needed to realize that. This aren't going back to "normal", they can't. Maybe someday eventually there can be a new normal, but that is far off in the distance. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, and hopefully a great friend again some day.

So now I'm trying to find other things to fill my time with. My normal fall back is taking pictures. I guess I'll start doing more of that, and hopefully update my site again soon with some new photos.

I GOT A JOB!!! (and a boyfriend)

I finally got a job. I just heard back yesterday about a job I applied to a month ago and interviewed for last week...Admissions officer at MIIS, Monterey Institute of International Studies. The start date was listed as December 5th, which means about three more weeks with out a job, my health insurance and benefits wouldn't start until January 1st but they knew I didn't have a job right now so they changed their minds and I am now starting tomorrow! I can't wait to actually be working again. To top it off, the pay is great, not complaints there that is for sure. So I'll try to be better at updating this and will let you all know how the first day goes.

Oh I have a boyfriend for all of you who don't know yet...yup me actually has a boyfriend. I know its been a good three years or so but it finally happened. He is awesome. His name is Dustin, and he is just great. Makes me laugh so hard and treats me great. I went with the youth group to southern Cal for a week and when I got back there were flowers on my bed...and this was even before we started dating. I'll have to put a picture up here eventually.

Well I'll be home for Christmas...from December 17-29th, so hopefully I will be able to see a bunch of people....see you then!

Long Time

Sorry its been such a long time since I last updated this. Lets see what has happened?
Well I moved from Ventura to Monterey. I stayed with Sara and Jason for the past month until they moved to Maryland. Now I am living with my friend Heather and one of the nicest apartments around! (well better than any of mine back home). I'm still doing the job search thing but I know everything will all work out, I mean it has up until now so why would it change?

Having had this last month to spend with Sara and Jay before they moved was awesome. I got to just help them out as much as possible around the house and getting stuff ready for the move. Sara being pregnant now needed all the help and rest she could get so it was nice to be here for that. I'm sad that I wont really be around for the rest of it, but I can't wait until April when "poppy" is born. I am so happy and excited for them. They are going to make such great parents. Jay graduated from NPS last Friday, and they left on Saturday morning to start their drive back East.

I'm trying to remember what else has happened in my life. I guess a lot of little things have been going on but nothing too exciting I guess. I saw March of the Penguins...awesome movie! I learned how to play poker this week (Thanks Dustin). Going to Big Sur this weekend and taking some pictures. I can't wait. I am now getting back into photography and wanting to pick up my camera. I think now that I don't have to do it, my passion is coming back to me. I am actually going to use both my Minolta and my Nikon this weekend. I haven't used my Minolta since I got my Nikon, so its been a while.

Jimmy Eat World was in San Fran last weekend and guess what I missed them, AGAIN, and this weekend they are in Sacramento, and all sold out! So sad. But I think at the end of October, Dustin and I are going to go and see Weezer and Foo Fighters! Next weekend Heather and I are going to see Olivia the band play.

I guess that is it for now, I am sure there are other things that have been going on but nothing is coming to mind right now...

Again sorry it took so long for me to update this.

http://jsmphotos.com

AUNTIE

Congratulations to Sara and Jason...the Parents to Be!

On August 17th (Their three year wedding anniversary) I received a phone call at 3:00 am and I knew what it was about before I even picked it up. I had the hardest time sleeping that night and a hard time going back to sleep after I got the call. I was beyond excited. I couldn't yell or scream because like I said it was 3am. I am extremely happy for them. I expect another one of these phone calls in about eight and a half months telling me she is in labor and I need to hop on a flight and fly back east to welcome my new niece or nephew into the world.

I am so excited about being an Aunt. I can't wait! This would be make my parents grandparents, wow. This baby will be the first great grand child on my mom's side of the family!

Well I will be moving up there with them in only two more days! Which I guess is good timing so I can help Sara pack up their place and get things ready for their move back East while Jay finishes up school. Crazy how things work out huh?

RAIN

I have been living in "beautiful southern California" since April now, and I would give a lot just to have a day that it would rain. I don't mean that little drizzle stuff but a real rain storm. Maybe even a thunder storm and most of you know how much I dislike them. But I mean come on now, it hasn't rained once in four months. This isn't normal for me.

My friends from class took me out to eat last night to say good-bye. It was Holly, Tim, Daryl and Barry. Barry and I were talking outside of starbucks about this and how it is driving us crazy. You know how in Seattle it always rains and people say I could never live there it would make me depressed? Well its kind of like that feeling. For the past few days it has been grey skies with out a glimpse of sun. Back home, this would mean it was going to rain, here it means nothing...just grey skies! I miss the smell right before its going to rain. When I hear the Yellowcard song, Back Home (lyrics listed below) it basically sums up life in southern Cali. It gets old pretty quickly. Maybe that happens just about everywhere I don't know, maybe I feel like that because its not "home", and its not my usually comfort zone. I'm looking forward to this move. I miss a change in weather. I miss rain. I think I can live with out snow, but rain?

After dinner some of us went to the Ventura County Fair...it was ok. It costs $7.00 to get in and then you have to pay for everything else in there, didn't get that really but. Then Mandy and I hung out for a bit and watched a movie and on the way home it started to drizzle...not rain but drizzle. I guess I'll take it if that is all I am going to get.
______________________________________________________________________
Don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it

Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it (back home, yellowcard)

Packing...Again

I take it you all have read my e-mail by now. Thank you for all of your encouraging e-mails and support.

So now I'm packing...again! As much as I hate it, I have to say I'm pretty good at it by now. I don't have as much stuff this time so its a lot easier and I am taking my time with it. I'm excited about this move. I'll be staying with Sara and Jay until I can find my own place. I need to find a job too, but I have an idea of places to apply to when I get up there. Jason K said I could store my futon and bookshelf at his place until I get my own...Thanks so much. I really didn't want to have to get rid of it just to spend more money to get another one.

Besides packing and just kicking back (what a life huh?...I'm so bored with it right now). I have been working on my website. I've had it for a little while now but never did anything with it. I figured I have the time right now to at least get it up and running. Its nothing fancy...I don't know much about doing these but it works so I guess that is all that matters. Eventually I'll be selling prints off of it too, its just going to take me a little bit of time to get that all set up and get the supplies to make the prints and mat them! If you get a chance check it out http://jsmphotos.com

Well I guess I'm going to go and get some more stuff done around here.

Picture This...

Some of you have asked to see some pictures that I have taken over the past few months, and I am sorry this has taken me so long to get up. I couldn't sleep just yet so I figured I would go threw my photos and pick some out for all of you. Some of these were used for class assignments (not many of them) and the others were just me messing around, or weren't good enough for my assignments. I'll try and update this more often with pictures, hope you enjoy them!


AIDS Life Cycle, Ventura, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Seth Dvorin Cross, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Kelly Rangel, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Memorial Day, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Toy Truck, Ojai, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Flowers, Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Calm, Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Worship, Spirit West Coast, Monterey, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Cars, Malibu, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Malibu Fishing Pier, Malibu, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Barry/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Boats, Monterey, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Sunrise in Monterey, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005

Monterey

I spent the last week up in Monterey clearing my head and hanging out with Sara, Jay and their friends. My main reason for going up was for Ryan and Jenny's wedding, which was awesome. It was so nice and beautiful. We had a little party for Jenny on Wednesday night when I got there, it was awesome. Sara had a chocolate foundue with fruit, so good. We played some games, well I took the pictures. The first game was really cool, they broke up in to three teams, the mothers, the sisters and the friends and each had five minutes to make Jenny a wedding dress out of toilet paper, sooo funny.

Thursday night, Sara and Jason were on the ministry team for Spirit West Coast, and I have been wanting to go to this for so long, but couldn't really afford the tickets right now. But Sara got a call from a friend of hers saying that someone was selling tickets for $20.00 for the day (which they are normal $40.00 for the day), So Sara and I went and picked up a ticket for me for Thursday night so I could join them and then we turned around and got to more for Friday so we could go and see Mat Kearney, Mute Math and David Crowder! So the three of us went on Thursday night and when they were doing their ministry work I went walking around to all the vendors and talked with a guy from Wycliffe Ministries for a bit.

Friday, Sara and I spent most of the day there. We saw Mat Kearney, Mute Math and David Crowder, all were awesome! We met Mat Kearney and got our picture taken with him (ya, we're dorks, but it was fun). Mute Math put on such an awesome show and David Crowder was awesome.

Pete and Debbie VanDuyne came up from Texas to visit Sara and Jay so I got to see them too!! Sara and I hung out with them yesterday and went to Pacific Grove.

Venice, L.A. Santa Monica, Santa Barbara...

Well I'm back up in Monterey for Ryan and Jenny's wedding this weekend. I came up a few days early to hang out with Sara and Jay and just kick back and relax.

Lets see, what's been happening since I last updated? I've had a few assignments due for class, so I went down to Vince Beach, Santa Monica Pier and L.A. to do some shooting. Had an awesome time down there. I remember going when I was little but didn't remember anything about it, but it looks just like all the pictures you see. Crazy people doing crazy things and tons of little shops all along the "board walk". The drive down there is beautiful on the 1. It goes right along the coast and all you see is people pulled over, laying on the beaches and surfing. We ended up pulling over for about an hour or two and I laid out and got a tan. The sun was right above us so it wasn't great for taking pictures and we needed to kill some time. What a better way to do it?

After going to those three places I still needed some shots and a bunch of us were heading up to Santa Barbara on Sunday to have a cook out on the beach again so some of us decided to go up earlier and take some shots. Julia and I ended up at the Zoo and where we go there people were driving up in limos and there was a huge event going on in the center of the zoo. You had to have an orange band to get in and instead of asking how to get one, we just walked around it for about an hour wondering...finally we asked and ran to get one. It was a benefit for the Dream Foundation (www.dreamfoundation.org) (all we noticed were the free Jamba Juices). So after we get our tickets and they give us the list of events for the rest of the day we read it over and see that Brad Garrett, Cris Judd, Bruce Jenner, Harry Shearer and Elizabeth Pena are going to be there!! We got to see Cris Judd give hip-hop lessons to little kids, and take pictures of everyone. It was such an awesome time and a great cause.

So now I'm here in Monterey, just hanging out, relaxing, and clearing my mind...

©Jenny S. Manseau 2005

©Jenny S. Manseau 2005

©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


©Jenny S. Manseau 2005

Weeks in Review

Ok so its been a while...about two weeks I guess since I last updated this. Well I had two weeks off of school, the first week I just hung out here in Ventura and kicked back and relaxed a bit. Not to much exciting happening around here. I hung out with some friends and waited until Sara and Jason came back to this coast so I could go up and visit them for my send week off. On Sunday the 3rd, went to church, had a cook out, went swimming at a friends place, then Mandy and I came back to my place and I cleaned and took out my trash before I left the next day to Monterey. We went and ate at the Hungry Hunter, where Brian works. Oh my it was so good, and I ate way to much food, so we went for a walk on the beach after to walk some of it off. We ended up meeting up with Raymundo and started a fire on the beach and watched the fireworks going off (some random people setting them off on the beach), there were tons of fires going that night. After that we ended up at Denny's just sitting outside and talking for a couple more hours and as we were getting ready to leave to more friends showed up and they were actually going to get food so we joined them. Denny's was crazy that night...The Warp Tour was down the road earlier in the day and a bunch of people were hanging out there, and they were under staffed...it took us about 20 minutes to get water. I think I got home around 3:30 and started packing for my trip the next day.

I had to be to the Santa Barbara train station around 12:00 so we went a little early so I could go to the camera shop and get my equipment for this next session...they ended up being closed. I had been trying to call them for about four days with no answer...now I know why. So as we (Mandy, Raymundo and I) are sitting on the benches (there is an over hang where the benches are) something flies on my head and decides to stay there...so everyone is laughing and I'm smacking this poor thing on my head thinking its a bat or something, ends up being a little bird learning how to fly...I'm surprised I didn't kill the thing. So I finally get it off and try to get it to fly back where it came from.

The train ride was interesting to say the least. I felt like I was at a taping for a soap opera. There was this one couple and her daughter in front of me that was just going at it the whole time. I mean full force cussing, wedding rings being thrown back and forth, crying, drinking, promising to get off the train at the next stop (they always got back on!!), it was a sight to see let me tell you. I had to get up and walk around quite a bit, I just couldn't take it any more. The guy kept yelling "Security" "Security"...nothing ever came of that. Becky called me from Boston (thanks so much for calling! I was so bummed that I was going to miss that this year). The train was 2 1/2 hours late but I got to Monterey just in time for the fireworks to begin. The just started going off when I got dropped off so I ran to Mike and Alicia's dropped my bags off, and ran down to the beach where everyone was. Ok so the fireworks out here don't even compare to the ones back East! These lasted for maybe 10 minutes, but I was happy to see some.

Sara and I got to hang out for most of the week, but Jason had started school again so didn't get to spend tons of time with him. Sara and I stripped a table and started to mosaic it with broken pieces of pottery from my bowls I shipped out and pieces she had donated to her. It looks really good so far. I got to babysit Jonathan! I was so excited to do that, and it gave me a chance to take some more pictures of him, which I put together a DVD for Mike and Alicia of pictures I had taken during my last couple of times there. Jenny, Sara and I went to Bubba Gumps restaurant, pretty good stuff. Went to their College and Career group on Thursday night and got to see more of their friends. I'll be up there again in a couple of weeks for Ryan and Jenny's wedding! Sara, Jana and I went beading one day. And I feel like I am forgetting so much, so if/when I remember it, I'll update this.


Jonathan ©Jenny S Manseau 2005

I came home on Saturday and the train was running about 1-1 1/2 hours late to begin with, then they got a call saying that someone had jumped a fence north of San Jose and got hit by the train, so it could be delayed another 3 or so hours. If we were going to Santa Barbara, which I was, we had the option of taking the bus. Best decision ever. I think I would much rather take the bus both ways next time. Granted there is no food or much room to walk around in but it go there so much faster than the train did. Even with running 1 1/2 late I still arrived in Santa Barbara at my correct time.

I started my second session on Tuesday of this week. I'm only taking one course which is Understanding Light. So far so good. Its really technical but I really enjoy this instructor so far. His name is Brent Winebrenner ( www.brentwinebrenner.com )(shoots a lot for the Lonely Planet) and we have Rick Rickman sitting in on our class ( www.rickmanphoto.com ) (he has shot for Time, National Geo and more). I have three assignments due by next Tuesday at noon, so I'm waiting for the clouds to go away so I can start shooting some of them today. Class is on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 am - 9:45 am, its killing having this class so early because last session my earliest class was at 11:45 am and my other class was 6:00 at night.

Anyway going to catch some Z's...like I said I'm sure I'm forgetting tons of stuff from the past two weeks so if/when I remember I'll let you know and I'll upload some pictures soon.