Surfrider International Surfing Day - June 21, 2007

Check out more photos from Carmel, CA at: http://www.flickr.com/gp/22456584@N00/46ysD8

Also check out Surfrider - www.surfrider.org for more info on them and all they do!

Invisible

Every feel invisible? Even to those you are closest with?
Ever feel like if you were to just leave for a while no one would really notice?
Ever feel like you are just walking around with out really living?
Ever feel like you are living someone else's life?

We say we are friends and close but are we really? If I don't pick up the phone or send the e-mail will you remember to? Will you take the initiative at some point? At what point would you do that? Do you really want to know what is going on when you say "how are you? whats going on with you?". Do you want the truth or are you being superficial? What makes us friends and not just acquaintances?

Selfishness

(most of you who know me know this side of me)

So this week I watched a movie called Paradise Now to sum it up quickly its a foreign film that is about suicide bombers. Something about that movie that hit me really hard and I couldn't figure out exactly what it was, but I think I know.

The whole act of what they do is so they can be in "Paradise", but someone in the movie asked "what about us who remain here", and they are right what about those people you leave behind. Now I'm not really talking about "suicide bombers", but suicide in general. What a selfish act. You take your life but never think twice about the ones you leave behind to clean up the mess. They are the ones that have to live with this every day of their lives. They have to pick up the pieces daily and start all over again. Why do they have to do this? Because you can't handle life, its to rough, nothing is working to your plan, no one loves you...oh the list I could make here. But life is never that bad, no break up is ever that bad, nothing is ever bad enough to take your own life and leave a mess for those you love and better yet for those who love you. You may think this is the easy way out, but its not.

Why can I say this with such conviction? Because I have been there, I struggled with suicidal thoughts (and actions for that matter), depression and cutting for many many years. Its been hard to overcome but its possible. The scars on my wrists will never let me forget, and will always be a reminder of where I have been, how far I have come and God's love. Love is possible. Rescue is possible. Ask for help. Seek God. Seek counsel. Seek wisdom.

When I was dealing with this I was younger, I was sent to talk with psychiatrists, put on some meds for depression, but honestly only one thing only got me threw all of this and that was God, for that I am forever grateful.

To help those who struggle or if you are struggling with this check out www.twloha.com (To Write Love On Her Arms). They are an amazing organization that help people with issues of depression, cutting and suicide. I wish there were resources like this when I was dealing with this.

I'm sorry to those I hurt in this selfishness of mine. Looking back I now realize the hurt and damage this could of caused if I continued down this path. I didn't realize then how selfish I really was.

Back from the Philippines! Update and Photos

Hello Everyone,

Here is a recap of our trip to the Philippines. It has taken me so long to do this, because I’m having a hard time putting it into words. Expression through words isn’t my gift (that’s why I take pictures). This most likely will not be day-by-day, just in a random order as it comes to my mind. I’ll do my best to include as much as possible with out boring you, hope it makes a bit of sense…

It was amazing! A wonderful eye opening experience. Here we have the poor all around, but for some reason it so much more impacting in other countries (at least to me anyway). Here we have the means to get people off the streets, but it just doesn’t happen…there many don’t have any opportunity, yet their seems to be a peace and happiness that surround them. Some of these people may be poor to our standards but they are richer than I will ever be, that blows my mind.

I fell in love with it. The country, the beauty of my surroundings, the welcoming attitudes, people, the food and Mango shakes. I’ve had the opportunity to travel before, but never have I experienced and welcome like this. After only a few hours these people became like family that I haven’t seen in a while. There were no boundaries, just open arms and lots of love.

We traveled from San Francisco to Taipei to Manila stayed there for four days went to Dumaguete for two days then to Bacolod for a day. Each place is beautiful in its own ways. From city life to beach town. Most of our travel from place to place was by planes, but from Dumaguete to Bacolod it was by bus. A five and a half hour trip in a non air-conditioned bus. I actually preferred this to the ac. We had the windows down enjoying the scenes and smells (good and bad).

The Romans it talks about mutual encouragement, and that would sum up this purpose for this trip. We were there to do/help what ever it is that they needed, although I feel like I got more out of it than I gave. One of our first days in Manila we went with Pastor Lito (Pastor of CC Manila) and a few of the member of the church to paint the brick walls (back yard area) for the children at the DSW (Department of Social Welfare). These children are there due to abuse and neglect until they can locate other family members or adoptive parents to take them.

Before going we were told no pictures were allowed because many of these children have on going court cases. We got there, painted the back wall and left wall white and had so much extra we did all that walls we could. On the back wall some of the team members drew a Noah’s Ark theme , the rest of us scrubbed the ground to get the paint drippings off, played with the children and after the sketch was done we all pitched in to bring it color and life. Half of us left in the first van to head back to the church for lunch, but as we were getting ready to leave they asked us to come back and take a picture with the children! In only a matter of hours they trusted us. To walk back in and see the painting and the children’s faces as they came out was priceless.

We visited three churches: Calvary Chapel Manila, Calvary Chapel Dumaguete and Calvary Chapel Bacolod (Calvary Chapel Children’s Home). All of them amazing in their own ways, and also very different. CCM is smaller, a narrow room with now windows, amazing people. As we sat their for their mid week service all the kids were in the back two rows singing their best during worship and I had tears in my eyes. I just stood there listening to them and thought (I know several others thought similar things), “I wonder if this is what heaven will sound like with all the voices echoing like this”. It was beautiful. We spent the most time at CC Manila and I just love those people so much (sure I’ve said that a few times already). I kept asking for the recipes for all the food they were cooking for us, so one night they decided to show us how to make of them. We learned to make turon, a desert that was amazing. I can’t even explain what it felt like to be there cooking with them. It reminded me of growing up, with my grandmother teaching me how to cook. It was great and I’m sure something I will never forget.

CC Dumaguete felt like we were back in the states. It was large, awesome people and the worship again was great. When you looked up there is a huge dove on the ceiling. We didn’t have a service at CC Bacolod but it also is a Children’s Home and currently they have about 140 children. There is a school there also. These children are amazing. They all have chores and help one another, I didn’t see any signs of frustration or aggravation of having so many siblings, just pure love for one another. They put on a performance for us, it was awesome. They all had matching outfits (that they made!), sang and danced, it was great. Everyone of them were involved in one way or another.

In total we visited three "orphanages", all of them broke my heart in a different way. I do hope and pray to be able to adopt one day, I don't know from where, but being there just hit home really hard for me. The people that work there are amazing and have huge hearts. I could only hope for that.

We went to the American Cemetery in Manila one day. Talk about a breathtaking humbling experience. I will be the first to admit I know little to nothing about history, but I was in awe. To see all of those names and crosses blew me away. As we walked threw and looked at them all I noticed some familiar names…two that stuck out. Two of which may be on my mom’s side of the family, and both were from MA.

We stayed at New Tribes Missions in Manila (www.ntm.org) These people were wonderful to let us stay with them. I had a few opportunities to talk with them about their experiences so far and also to meet other missionaries that are stationed or have been stationed in the Philippines. Check out their site and what they are all about when you have a chance.

Seeing as we weren’t staying at the church we got picked up and dropped off by members of the church, but one day we got to ride in Jeepneys! Jeepneys are a main form of transportation in the Philippines. They were originally made from US military jeeps left over from World War II and are well known for their flamboyant decoration and crowded seating. They have also become a symbol of Philippine culture.

We were complete outsiders, definitely the minority, but I felt at home. Never really thought about being an outside much. I enjoyed getting to walk around and see life from out side of a moving car. I think every place we went I uttered the words “I could live here”.

The driving and traffic reminded me quite a bit of China. Very dysfunctional and unorganized yet organized at the same time.

In one day we saw metro Manila, the “Beverly Hills” section with Polo Clubs and all and then we saw where the “squatters” lived. Its amazing the difference and how just a turn at the next set of lights can bring you into a whole new world and way of life.

I met so many wonderful people, saw unforgettable things and learned a lot in a short time. I hope this and my photos gives you a bit of insight to my trip and experience. Again, its been hard to put it into words, but thank you all very much for your prayers, support and encouragement. I wasn’t ready to leave and I’m looking forward to going back in the future.

For more photos please visit: Philippines Photos

Blessings,
Jenny

Flights, Birthday, Christmas, Death, New Year...

A lot has happened since my last post...I'll do my best to include it all.

In the last post I mentioned that my Grandfather had suffered from a heart attack and wasn't doing well. I flew home in November, because we thought we were going to lose him. He came around though. He was moving along (not at a fast speed, but slight improvements). I had a week to spend as much time with him as I could, just hanging out in the hospital. He couldn't move or even talk, but it didn't matter that much. The last time I saw him before heading home, I got a kiss and told him I would be back at Christmas, he kept saying no, he finally came around and said yes.

I flew home for Christmas and saw him on Christmas morning for a couple of hours. I told him that I would see him in two days, my dad and I would come back to visit him. To all of our surprise, the day after Christmas he was rushed back to the hospital from his rehab. All five of his daughters, his three oldest grandchildren (well four), and my father were at the hospital that night. He had the chance to say good bye to all of us and give us kisses one last time. Around 10:30 that night he went to be with Jesus. It was quick and peaceful, and a blessing. I wasn't prepared, but I know he is in a much better place, and I couldn't ask for anything better for him. I miss you...

I had a crazy flight home for Christmas. The guy next to me was unbelievable...to the point of almost having to land the plane and get him off. Spent the first day and nigh at Becky and Mikes (always a good time, but never long enough). Spent the day with Becky in Boston...our favorite thing to do! Got to go to Johnny Cupcakes! And of course hot pot in China Town! Yum Yum.

Got to spend time with my family (more than expected, but it was really good!). I even got a day to hang out with my dad. We fly to Nantucket for lunch and then hung out there and the cape for a few hours just taking photos. We even got to go to the Cape Cod Board Walk and see our board (see photo above)! I got to spend Christmas morning with my mom, which I haven't done in many years. I had a ton of time to spend with my sister, brother in law and my awesome newphew. No matter how much time I have it never seems like enough!

For my birthday I got a lot of cool things...dvd's, itunes gift cards, a turtle named Aslan (which still hasn't arrived!!) and best of all a photograph from one of my favorite photographers, Scott Harrison. Thanks to my awesome and wonderful sister (brother in law and newphew...of course). She gave me an envelope with some e-mails in it, I didn't even have to read the first line, all I saw was "Hello Scott," and I started to cry. Its amazing, She is amazing for thinking of this, and he is an amazing photographer and person for letting me have a print of his.

Couldn't of asked for a better birthday.

What did I do for New Year's Eve after a long emotion filled week home...I slept! Oh yes went to bed at 9:30 (I had to wake up at 5:00 to leave for the airport to head back West).

Now, I'm getting ready for my trip to the Philippines!! I leave on the 14th for 9 days. I'll be sure to post some stories/thoughts when I return along with photos.

Hope this sums everything up! For more photos check out my flickr site

A new magazine to check out: NEED Magazine

Broken Toe, Sick, Breathing Machine, Sliced Finger...

Sooo in the past month I have broken a toe, came down with bronchitis, possibly asthma, been on a breathing machine, tons of meds, and sliced some fingers (pretty deep too).

I was home sick one day, and being the stubborn person that I am I decided not to rest, instead do stuff around the house. I picked up the vacuum and it slipped right out of my hand and landed on my toes. I broke my second toe! Yup, hurt like junk and was nice and nasty looking. I'll spare all of you and not post a picture of it.

I was home sick because back in September I got sick, with what I thought was just a cold. A week later it still wasn't going away so I went to the docs. She said I had bronchitis and put me on and inhaler, two antibiotics, and cough medicine with codeine. A week later it still wasn't going away so I went back (mind you during all of this I was still trying to go to work...that didn't go over well), she said its still bronchitis, possibly some allergy and also a good possibility of asthma. So she put me on some steroids along with a shot of them, still on the inhaler and also a breathing machine four times a day (I am now down to two times a day!!). I have been sick for a total of 4 and 1/2 weeks.

Last Sunday night I was cutting fruit and veggies for a cook out and earlier that day sharpened my knives...apparently a little to much because as I'm telling other people that the knives are really sharp I sliced my fingers twice. One of them was pretty deep! All I could do was laugh at my self.

___________________________________________________________

On Friday my Gramp had a heart attack while at the doctors office getting his pace maker checked out. He had surgery yesterday that lasted about 13 hours or so, and is heavily medicated so that his can rest. I don't have all the details, but its hard being so far away from my family during all of this. All I can do is cry and pray that he makes it through all of this.

I have been extremely fortunate with having all of my grand parents alive and well. This is all so new and hard.

Missions Trip to the Philippines!

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

Dear,

It’s hard to believe but this coming March will make it two years that I have been living in California! I am currently living in Monterey and working for the Monterey Institute of International Studies as an admissions officer. I have made so many wonderful friends here and have also been attending a great church - Calvary Chapel Monterey Bay (www.calvary.com).

The reason I am writing to you is because I have been presented with an opportunity this January through Calvary Chapel to go on a missions trip to the Philippines! A team of us will be leaving on January 15th and returning on January 23rd. Our time there will be spent doing the following:

~ We will be visiting the following churches: Calvary Chapel Manila, Calvary Chapel Dumaguete, and Calvary Chapel Bacolod.

~While visiting the mentioned churches will be assisting them in any way that we can within the church and in their community.

~During our visit to Calvary Chapel Bacolod we will also share a message of hope with the children and staff at a local orphanage.

I would like to first ask you to be in prayer with me. Below you will find a list detailing specifically what my team and I could use prayer for. I would appreciate it if you would think of me and the requests listed below often in the coming months as I prepare for this exciting trip.

Secondly I would like to ask you to consider supporting me financially. My final payment of $1,750 is due on November 12th, if you would like to do so you can make checks payable to C.C.M.B. (for tax purposes). Also please write the following on the memo line: Jenny Manseau – missions. Checks can be sent to:
Jenny Manseau
P.O. Box 463
Pacific Grove, CA. 93950

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. Upon my return I will post pictures and an update on my websites:

http://jsmanseau.blogspot.com/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyjene/

Blessings,
Jenny

Prayer Requests:

~The people that we will be ministering to in the Philippines, may receive the freeing and redeeming news of Jesus!

~To be used wherever God desires.

~The children that we will be visiting in the orphanages.

~Flexibility and willingness to do what is needed of us.

~Travel safety and health of team.

Thank you for your support and prayers!

New Camera

© kelly r anderson 2006

Got a new camera last week...holga medium format with a few fun filters. Its been fun to mess around with it a little bit...check out a few photos at: my flickr site

Will be working on getting a new "real" website of my photography up soon.

Been pretty busy lately with work and just life in general. Will do a better update soon!

~Blessings
Jenny

Have you seen me lately? (year of life in review)

I had my iPod on random the other day and "Have you seen me lately?" by the Counting Crows came one and that lyric struck hard. I've lived in California for a whole year now and as of this week I will have lived in Monterey for exactly one year. As I look back over the year I'm kind of amazing at how far I have come, not just distance across the country but in life in general.

In July of '05 I finally decided to apply to photography school...I needed a change of life. I requested the applications from the too schools I was most interested in, Brooks and Hallmark. I held on to them for a little bit, and figured there is no better time than now. In October I was accepted. Moved in with my dad and step-mom in November, then in April I packed my life in two suitcases and headed out west. I came out here blindly...never seeing the school, not place to live really but just went on faith.

At first glance, it seemed perfect. One of the best/well known photography schools in the country, living in southern California, what could be better? Well a lot. The program wasn't what I thought, I couldn't see myself going into that much debt for what I wanted to do in the long run, so after countless tears and re-assurance from my dad that I wasn't a failure, I packed up and moved to Monterey. Its awesome here, still have a great job, great friends, had a boyfriend...now I have a good friend, have an amazing church, and I'm still taking photos!

Before moving out here, life wasn't all that grand. I was bitter, angry, frustrated, depress...pretty much you name, thats what I was. I was like this for many years, some days were better than others and I could play it off like nothing was wrong. Inside all of this was eating me alive and I just couldn't take it. I don't hide my emotions well at all...they are written on my face for the world to see. Anytime something bad happened or I got hurt, I would hold a grudge as long as I possibly could, stubborn should be my middle name. I'm not very patient, I try but its a struggle. I didn't want to live or be like that any more. Forgiveness didn't come so easily to me...it still doesn't. I try so hard to play it off like I am fine and that I'm made of stone and nothing or nobody can hurt me...I'm only fooling myself. I've been hurt, some of which has been pretty bad and has taken a lot longer for me to deal with than others. I try to forgive, but its hard for me. Its a daily choice that I have to make and somedays, I don't feel like making it. I want to crawl under a rock and sleep it away...which doesn't help or change anything. I cry, but that doesn't do much either. I want to forgive, but I feel like its never enough to just be like "ok I forgive ______ for what they did". I still hurt. Why? Why is it easier for some people to forgive than others? I pray for strengh to get threw some days. I pray for wisdom and understanding. Somedays I just want a hug. I want to be "normal". I don't want to hurt. I don't want to put up walls. I wan't to be carefree. I'm not that same person I once was...God has done a lot in me...this I know. I'm not as angry or better. I'm not saying I am perfect and never have bad days, because trust me I do...but not as bad or as often as before. All I know is that my God is patient

So in the past year I:
Got accepted to photography school
Quit my job
Moved to California
Attended photography school
Took out a heck of a lot of money in loans
Dropped out of photography school
Moved to Monterey
Lived off my savings account for 4 months until, no lie, I had 2 cents to my name
Got a job that paid a lot more than my job back East and I'm pretty much doing the same thing
Learned to feel again
Allowed myself to be attracted to someone and actually date them
Had my heart broken
Remained friends with an ex (some days easier than others, but its possible)
Entered a photo contest (didn't win)
Mad some truly amazing friends
Became and Aunt! (to the most handsome little boy)
Photographed three weddings
Got my second tattoo
Watched as friends moved away (and preparing for more to move)
Went to Yosemite and took photos where Ansel Adams did!
Sold between 15-20 of my photographs
Grew closer to God
Been challenged and stretched


Things I'm working on:
Forgiving people and truly meaning it
Realizing I can't run from things
Trying to be patient and love no matter what
Learning to be me
Doing stuff for myself (instead of always putting others first)
Trusting others
Relying on others
Accepting who I am in Christ: that I am loved, forgiven, wonderfuly made, I am HIS, chosen
Let myself be vunerable
Being content


I'm sure there are more things to add to all of this, but its late...

Work in Progress

©jsmanseau 2004

Life as an "adult" isn't all that its cracked up to be. You have more responsibilites (bills), priorities, harder decisions etc. I guess its reality...all part of growing up and can't really escape it, just have to roll with the punches and take each day as it comes. Try to see the good in every situation. When you fall down, get up, dust yourself off and move on. Pretty much guarnteed to make mistakes, so learn from them, try your best not to keep repeating them.

___________________________________________

Why am I a fool around you? I stutter. I get nervous. I have a loss of words. Or too many. I feel inadequate. I feel invisible. I can't approach you. I feel worthless. I am confused. I’ve messed up. I’m emotional. I’m embarrassed. I am fearful. I feel abandoned. I’m broken.

Yet, I am a fool for you. In love. Worthy in your eyes. Beautiful in your eyes. I am all you see. You long for me to approach you. To just talk. To draw near. To call on you. You are there. Made new. I’m forgiven. You have made me. I am restored. I am your desire. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You have never left. You are consistent.

Why do I have a hard time grasping these concepts?