Things pondered....

When I was in China (wow almost three years ago now, some days it seems like just yesterday I was there), I grew so much closer to God that I ever had, it was truly amazing. Granted at the time I wasn't that aware of it, but when I came home and ever since I've realized more and more the closeness that I shared with Him, and how I long to have that even more. I feel like moving to California was the next step in that direction. Where it was just the two of us. Me and Him. Having nothing...no family and not much of my "material" life with me, He is truly all I had. On those lonely days and tear filled nights, it was Him who I had to turn to and be comforted by. Trust me, its not always easy.

During that time I also started to pray for my husband...who ever he may be. I don't know why I had such a strong desire to start praying for him, but I have been ever since. I wonder so many times who he is and what is he like? I wonder what he is dealing with in his life, where he is and where he comes from. I know that God has a truly amazing man for me, and right now its all about being patient and waiting on God's time and obviously not my own. I find myself writing him letters every now and then. Letters that some days have no particular meaning, and others are on major things that have happened in my life. I'm just so curious about him...Is he a man of God? Does he have a heart for missions? Does he have a heart for China? Will he make me laugh more than he makes me cry? There are a million questions I would love to know the answers to, but again in God's time, not mine. I would love to someday do a missions trip with my husband to China. Actually I would love to just be able to have someone to travel with!

I have been very fortunate however to meet some truly amazing men of God, and to have them in my life as friends is a blessing and means more than I'm sure all the of them will ever know. Its been a great learning experience for me, sometimes a hard learning experience but never the less a good one. God is truly amazing.

I'm excited to see what God has planned for me next. Life has become more of an adventure to me now. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I can't wait to find out.

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When I went home for Christmas this year it was so hard for me. I was happy to see everyone, but I feel like I've changed so much over the past 8 months and I go back and I feel like everyone else is still the same. Then I feel like jerk, like I'm judging them, when I'm really not meaning too, but I just see the change that God has done in me and I go back and its the same as when I left. Maybe I should have expectations for others. I don't know. I love my family and friends and I miss them a ton, but in all honesty I don't ever see myself moving back there. I think I've become a much better person away from there, that when I go back I slide right back into my old self. I don't like it. About two days into my trip back East, I was ready to head back West. I feel like I had such a hard time connecting and interacting with people that I have spent that last six years or so of my life with. Conversations were quick and superficial for the most part...what is this all about? There still was not many good deep talks, not much about God, not much more than surface gossip. It frustrates me so much. There are still a few people back East that I can have these conversations with but the numbers are getting smaller and smaller.

I don't feel like MA is home anymore and I'm not completely sure if California is either, it's such a weird feeling. I don't think that I will be here in CA for the rest of my life. I don't see my self settling down and having a family here (its way to much money), but I don't know where that place will be. Guess its just part of the adventure.

I know change is a hard thing, but this one just hurts. Its sad to see people you love still in the same places when you have seen so much more, and the possibilities that are out there. Sometimes its just heart breaking. You want to help, but how? You don't want people to think you are judging them, so I guess all I can do is pray...

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So this weekend should be a good one. Tomorrow is Sara's first baby shower! Ohhh the other night I got to feel Jed moving around. That has got to be one of the coolest/weirdest things ever!! I'm happy I got to witness it. Hopefully everything will turn out well tomorrow, I guess there are about 30 people coming so that's a good start.

Sunday....Super Bowl Sunday!!!!! To bad that Pat's aren't in it again this year, but I guess we can't be greedy, I mean come on now, 3 in 4 years, that's pretty stinkin good if you ask me. I guess we should give someone else a shot. Hopefully I'll get to watch it this year...so sad, can't watch it at Marc and Sue's house with everyone! That kind of stinks. What really weird is that out here on the West coast it starts at 3:00 in the afternoon!! I'm so used to the 6:00 start time and getting out of there so stinkin late. Not this year, its all in the afternoon, except it probably won't be over before Sunday Night service starts, so that part kind of stinks. I guess I'll have to hear who wins after the fact...and its not like my teams playing so.

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Well I guess thats it for now...

Better

Things are getting better. I had my break down and things are starting to look up from here. We aren't really on speaking terms but hopefully we'll get there sooner rather than later.

During all this God has just shown Himself more and more to me. He truly is amazing in all that He does, especially the little things in life. It's great to see that when one door closes He always seems to open another one just at the right time. He brings amazing people into your lives to help you along the way. Its truly the small little things that everyone seems to overlook on a daily basis that blows me away. I just feel truly blessed right now, even from the smallest act or word of kindness from a friend. I think its even better when its someone that you least expect.

I went out to take some photos yesterday...not many but at least I was out doing it finally. I've been working on some photoshop stuff too. Eventually I'll get them uploaded to my site (www.jsmphotos.com) and hopefully add some on here too.

Work has been crazy for the past few weeks, and there is no end is sight! Oh well its keeping me busy and my mind off of things so that's good. Seeing as I have been working late a few nights I get to come in to work late tomorrow morning...I'm so excited.

Sara is here this week!!! Its been great getting to see her and spend time with her. So far the only time I really get to spend with her is in the mornings before I head to work, but tonight we get to hang out and possibly go see a movie. Her baby shower is this weekend I hope everything turns out well. I feel like I haven't done much for it, I've been so busy its been hard. Thank God she has some amazing friends out here to help!

Have I told you I have the best older sister ever! While I was in the middle of an interview today she came down to my work and left me a boquet of Gerber Daisy's and a Carmel Apple Cider from Starbucks! She's awesome, completely made my day. I actually got to have lunch with her today too! So minus all the stress from work, its been a good day so far. =0)

I'll try to keep this updated more often!

I'm Not Fine

Ok well its been close to two months since I last updated this page. Sorry about that.

Lets see...I still have a job, its great. I'm really enjoying where I work and the people I work with.

I don't still have a boyfriend however. Yup you read it right, single yet again. Here's the break down. Everything was fine (or so I thought), I went home for almost two week for Christmas, came back on the 29th, and on New Years Eve we decided to take a two week break and pray about some things. About a week and a half into the break it ended. The first two week of the break I cried my eyes out, because I had a guy feeling that this was going to end, but never wanted to truly admit it out loud. I basically avoided talking to family and friends back home during this because I didn't want them to sense that something was wrong and I wasn't up for explaining it at that point, hoping that I would never have to.

So for about the first week or so after the break up anytime anyone would ask how I was doing my generic answer was "I'm fine...Its good, we are still friends". When in reality I wasn't fine, I'm still not fine. I got hurt, and I still hurt. This sucks. Mostly because I lost my best friend. I finally had my "breakdown" the other night. I just wanted to scream "I HURT" "I'M NOT FINE". Is that what everyone wanted to hear? I'm sure they were all thinking it, but I thought I was playing it off just fine. I couldn't bring myself to admit the fact that I was hurting, I don't know why. Its not like lying about it was helping me at all. Me lying to everyone else wasn't doing anything either...Seriously what was the point? It's not like this effected their lives. Why was (am I) I so ashamed to admit that I got hurt? Why does this bother me so much? I felt weak, and like a fool. A fool for allowing myself to be deceived and lied to yet again. I started to ask myself, "What were you thinking? Didn't you see any signs from the last time?" Maybe what they say is true, "third times a charm". I guess we'll have to wait and see about that one. I already find myself leary of future situations. Will I be able to trust someone again. Will I allow myself to go through something and take a risk at being hurt. Have I truly become this cynical? Do wonderfully amazing men only appear in books and movies? Maybe I read and watch movies too much. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

We are going to try and remain friends. I would love this more than anything, but its going to take a lot of time, work and building of trust. It's just not going to happen over night and I needed to realize that. This aren't going back to "normal", they can't. Maybe someday eventually there can be a new normal, but that is far off in the distance. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, and hopefully a great friend again some day.

So now I'm trying to find other things to fill my time with. My normal fall back is taking pictures. I guess I'll start doing more of that, and hopefully update my site again soon with some new photos.

I GOT A JOB!!! (and a boyfriend)

I finally got a job. I just heard back yesterday about a job I applied to a month ago and interviewed for last week...Admissions officer at MIIS, Monterey Institute of International Studies. The start date was listed as December 5th, which means about three more weeks with out a job, my health insurance and benefits wouldn't start until January 1st but they knew I didn't have a job right now so they changed their minds and I am now starting tomorrow! I can't wait to actually be working again. To top it off, the pay is great, not complaints there that is for sure. So I'll try to be better at updating this and will let you all know how the first day goes.

Oh I have a boyfriend for all of you who don't know yet...yup me actually has a boyfriend. I know its been a good three years or so but it finally happened. He is awesome. His name is Dustin, and he is just great. Makes me laugh so hard and treats me great. I went with the youth group to southern Cal for a week and when I got back there were flowers on my bed...and this was even before we started dating. I'll have to put a picture up here eventually.

Well I'll be home for Christmas...from December 17-29th, so hopefully I will be able to see a bunch of people....see you then!

Long Time

Sorry its been such a long time since I last updated this. Lets see what has happened?
Well I moved from Ventura to Monterey. I stayed with Sara and Jason for the past month until they moved to Maryland. Now I am living with my friend Heather and one of the nicest apartments around! (well better than any of mine back home). I'm still doing the job search thing but I know everything will all work out, I mean it has up until now so why would it change?

Having had this last month to spend with Sara and Jay before they moved was awesome. I got to just help them out as much as possible around the house and getting stuff ready for the move. Sara being pregnant now needed all the help and rest she could get so it was nice to be here for that. I'm sad that I wont really be around for the rest of it, but I can't wait until April when "poppy" is born. I am so happy and excited for them. They are going to make such great parents. Jay graduated from NPS last Friday, and they left on Saturday morning to start their drive back East.

I'm trying to remember what else has happened in my life. I guess a lot of little things have been going on but nothing too exciting I guess. I saw March of the Penguins...awesome movie! I learned how to play poker this week (Thanks Dustin). Going to Big Sur this weekend and taking some pictures. I can't wait. I am now getting back into photography and wanting to pick up my camera. I think now that I don't have to do it, my passion is coming back to me. I am actually going to use both my Minolta and my Nikon this weekend. I haven't used my Minolta since I got my Nikon, so its been a while.

Jimmy Eat World was in San Fran last weekend and guess what I missed them, AGAIN, and this weekend they are in Sacramento, and all sold out! So sad. But I think at the end of October, Dustin and I are going to go and see Weezer and Foo Fighters! Next weekend Heather and I are going to see Olivia the band play.

I guess that is it for now, I am sure there are other things that have been going on but nothing is coming to mind right now...

Again sorry it took so long for me to update this.

http://jsmphotos.com

AUNTIE

Congratulations to Sara and Jason...the Parents to Be!

On August 17th (Their three year wedding anniversary) I received a phone call at 3:00 am and I knew what it was about before I even picked it up. I had the hardest time sleeping that night and a hard time going back to sleep after I got the call. I was beyond excited. I couldn't yell or scream because like I said it was 3am. I am extremely happy for them. I expect another one of these phone calls in about eight and a half months telling me she is in labor and I need to hop on a flight and fly back east to welcome my new niece or nephew into the world.

I am so excited about being an Aunt. I can't wait! This would be make my parents grandparents, wow. This baby will be the first great grand child on my mom's side of the family!

Well I will be moving up there with them in only two more days! Which I guess is good timing so I can help Sara pack up their place and get things ready for their move back East while Jay finishes up school. Crazy how things work out huh?

RAIN

I have been living in "beautiful southern California" since April now, and I would give a lot just to have a day that it would rain. I don't mean that little drizzle stuff but a real rain storm. Maybe even a thunder storm and most of you know how much I dislike them. But I mean come on now, it hasn't rained once in four months. This isn't normal for me.

My friends from class took me out to eat last night to say good-bye. It was Holly, Tim, Daryl and Barry. Barry and I were talking outside of starbucks about this and how it is driving us crazy. You know how in Seattle it always rains and people say I could never live there it would make me depressed? Well its kind of like that feeling. For the past few days it has been grey skies with out a glimpse of sun. Back home, this would mean it was going to rain, here it means nothing...just grey skies! I miss the smell right before its going to rain. When I hear the Yellowcard song, Back Home (lyrics listed below) it basically sums up life in southern Cali. It gets old pretty quickly. Maybe that happens just about everywhere I don't know, maybe I feel like that because its not "home", and its not my usually comfort zone. I'm looking forward to this move. I miss a change in weather. I miss rain. I think I can live with out snow, but rain?

After dinner some of us went to the Ventura County Fair...it was ok. It costs $7.00 to get in and then you have to pay for everything else in there, didn't get that really but. Then Mandy and I hung out for a bit and watched a movie and on the way home it started to drizzle...not rain but drizzle. I guess I'll take it if that is all I am going to get.
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Don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it

Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it (back home, yellowcard)

Packing...Again

I take it you all have read my e-mail by now. Thank you for all of your encouraging e-mails and support.

So now I'm packing...again! As much as I hate it, I have to say I'm pretty good at it by now. I don't have as much stuff this time so its a lot easier and I am taking my time with it. I'm excited about this move. I'll be staying with Sara and Jay until I can find my own place. I need to find a job too, but I have an idea of places to apply to when I get up there. Jason K said I could store my futon and bookshelf at his place until I get my own...Thanks so much. I really didn't want to have to get rid of it just to spend more money to get another one.

Besides packing and just kicking back (what a life huh?...I'm so bored with it right now). I have been working on my website. I've had it for a little while now but never did anything with it. I figured I have the time right now to at least get it up and running. Its nothing fancy...I don't know much about doing these but it works so I guess that is all that matters. Eventually I'll be selling prints off of it too, its just going to take me a little bit of time to get that all set up and get the supplies to make the prints and mat them! If you get a chance check it out http://jsmphotos.com

Well I guess I'm going to go and get some more stuff done around here.

Picture This...

Some of you have asked to see some pictures that I have taken over the past few months, and I am sorry this has taken me so long to get up. I couldn't sleep just yet so I figured I would go threw my photos and pick some out for all of you. Some of these were used for class assignments (not many of them) and the others were just me messing around, or weren't good enough for my assignments. I'll try and update this more often with pictures, hope you enjoy them!


AIDS Life Cycle, Ventura, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Seth Dvorin Cross, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Kelly Rangel, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Memorial Day, Santa Barbara, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Toy Truck, Ojai, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Flowers, Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Calm, Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Worship, Spirit West Coast, Monterey, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Cars, Malibu, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Malibu Fishing Pier, Malibu, CA/©Jenny S Manseau 2005


Barry/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Boats, Monterey, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Sunrise in Monterey, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005


Pacific Grove, CA/©Jenny S. Manseau 2005

Monterey

I spent the last week up in Monterey clearing my head and hanging out with Sara, Jay and their friends. My main reason for going up was for Ryan and Jenny's wedding, which was awesome. It was so nice and beautiful. We had a little party for Jenny on Wednesday night when I got there, it was awesome. Sara had a chocolate foundue with fruit, so good. We played some games, well I took the pictures. The first game was really cool, they broke up in to three teams, the mothers, the sisters and the friends and each had five minutes to make Jenny a wedding dress out of toilet paper, sooo funny.

Thursday night, Sara and Jason were on the ministry team for Spirit West Coast, and I have been wanting to go to this for so long, but couldn't really afford the tickets right now. But Sara got a call from a friend of hers saying that someone was selling tickets for $20.00 for the day (which they are normal $40.00 for the day), So Sara and I went and picked up a ticket for me for Thursday night so I could join them and then we turned around and got to more for Friday so we could go and see Mat Kearney, Mute Math and David Crowder! So the three of us went on Thursday night and when they were doing their ministry work I went walking around to all the vendors and talked with a guy from Wycliffe Ministries for a bit.

Friday, Sara and I spent most of the day there. We saw Mat Kearney, Mute Math and David Crowder, all were awesome! We met Mat Kearney and got our picture taken with him (ya, we're dorks, but it was fun). Mute Math put on such an awesome show and David Crowder was awesome.

Pete and Debbie VanDuyne came up from Texas to visit Sara and Jay so I got to see them too!! Sara and I hung out with them yesterday and went to Pacific Grove.