Happy 50th Birthday Dad

Dad,

Happy 50th Birthday! I'm so happy that you didn't have a clue that I was coming for your birthday. I thought for sure my not being sad about missing your birthday was going to give it away. A few weeks ago I was looking at the post I wrote about two years ago for father's day and figured I would take some of those and write 50 memories or things I love about you and our relationship, so here it goes (not in any order):

1. "hola"
2. Fishing (on the Reel Lucky, Fly Fishing, and of course the Cape)
3. Flying to Nantucket for Lunch
4. Our hand shake for scratch tickets
5. My anatomy books
6. Fly tying classes (especially when I won, haha)
7. Tux (sniff sniff)
8. Vermont...our spot, Hogback Mountain, The Spiral Shop, Brattleboro, our sandwich place (which we still don't know the name of, but continue to call it "ours"), the army navy store, the barn with all the license plates
9. My Camera's (All of them)
10. My photography books
11. La Gloria Cubana Wavells
12. Fishing in the rain down at the Cape and almost getting blown in the water, best fishing day we had
13. Learning to fly fish (and all the reminder casting lessons after)
14. Christmas mornings.
15. Wine tastings: Our tour of the vineyard in P-Town..."So can anyone tell me....anyone?"
16. Encouragement in photography and life in general.
17. Doing laundry with the blue haired ladies
18. Getting books from you with notes of encouragement on the inside of them
19. Thursday night dates
20. Taking Photography Class with Ed (and we can't forget Fernando, but his friends call him Fred)
21. When I broke my back and had to wear the back brace (such a dork).
22. Sara laughing so hard she cries...and all we can do is laugh at her
23. Purgatory
24. Hot Dog Annie's, Coney Island, Super China buffet
25. Lobsters and Muscles
26. When you came to visit me in Cali!!
27. Trips to B&N
28. My pocket protector, microscope and dissection kit (man I was an odd child).
29. MONEY....don't give me any of that do goody good bulls*!t
30. Catching my first fish at the club and then my fist one deep sea fishing on the fly rod.
31. Being rocked to sleep in the rocking chair (especially when I had ear infections).
32. Your humor...nuf said
33. Digging for night crawlers in the golf course
34. Ben (Benny, cockroach)
35. Hanging turtles from the swing set and me experimenting with the turtles heart (it was beating in my hand and I thought if it was frozen then defrosted it would beat again...it didn't).
36. When you played Jesus in the Godspell that the Joy Church put on
37. "the box"
38. Birthday calls at 5:00 am
39. The best chocolate pecan pie ever
40. The year you helped me make all of my Christmas presents
41. Our first game at Fenway
42. The voice mail you left me when I moved to Cali saying how proud you were of me for doing what I'm doing(that I had saved up until my phone busted)
43. The look on every one's face the night you said I was adopted and we laughed at it
44. The CHUCKY poster!!! (I still can't look at that thing)
45. Getting flowers from you at my office on my birthday
46. "Benny and Longbow" written for at least the next 30 years on the Cape Cod Boardwalk!
47. Our daily phone calls
48. Loaf of Italian Bread, kalamata olives, Vermont cheese and a glass of wine = one great meal.
49. When you busted out on how old Moses really was when he died and told me I should read my bible more
50. That you love me for me, you encourage me to be me.

This list could go on for a really long time but I figured 50 was appropriate. I love you dad. I'm extremely happy that I could be here with you for your birthday this year. I hope you have a wonderful birthday and you enjoy yourself. Sorry Sara couldn't be here too!

Thanks for all the good memories and even the hard times that have made us who we are and made our relationship what it is today. I wouldn't change anything.

Love,
Benny

Dancing the night away

Last night Victoria and I headed up to the City (aka San Fran) to see Adam Freeland at Mighty

Here are a few pictures from our little adventure!! Sadly we rocked it old school with a disposable film camera (haha) and ran out of pictures by the time we got on stage and got to meet him...


(Adam Freeland)


(best not to ask)


(me having some fun)


(Adam rockin it)


(Victoria waiting for Adam to start)


For a few more picks go to my flickr page

Charity: Water

If you know me well, you know how much I love this organization. Please take a minute to check out this video and also their website at: www.charityis.org

Augustana

I always complain about the lack of music (ok, good live music) in this area. You either have to drive to Santa Cruz, San Jose or San Francisco to hear anyone half way decent. All of which aren't too bad except when the people you really want to see are playing during the middle of the week (which happens ALL the time). So when Heather called me two weeks ago at work and said that some radio station around here was giving a way tickets to see Augustana at some secret show, of course I went right to that website to see how to get these tickets. I sent them an email...about a week later I heard back saying I got two free passes and I'll be on the "guest list", ha. Mind you the place they are doing this secret show is at Doc Rickett's some place down town that I would never step foot in due to the high volume of country music played and very interesting crowds. Just not my type of place. Seeing as Augustana was going to be there, how could I resist?

So come last Wednesday night we go, get in line (oh wait there wasn't a line!!), get my name checked off the guest list with my plus one (heather) go inside and have a seat. The crowd is ummm lets say not what I would of ever expected. Lots of people who didn't know who these guys were, a bit older (no offense to anyone reading this but I'm sure you are all wondering who the heck Augustana is anyway). At one point I really wanted to go up and apologize for the lack of people there. The radio station didn't do the best job with reaching their target audience thats for sure. And Dan and Chris are probably thinking how sucky Monterey is. People are sitting around whispering if the two skinny guys in tight jeans that look like rock stars (oh you know the type I'm talking about), are part of the bad...obviously they are. So I go up, introduce myself and say I'm a photographer, mind if I take some pics during the show, they are all cool about it. The set was a bit short but I'll take what I can ged, and it was ALL acoustic! Ahhhh. And yes they played "Boston"

Here are a few pictures from the night!


Over all awesome set and wicked cool guys.

To hear them check this out:

Scream

This is what I want to do...just scream. Doubt it would change much but seems like it would feel sooo good.

Passing

(Jed his great-great-grandfather at Grampa Cormier's Mass, December 2006)

Marco Ricci, 92, of 7 Lincoln Street and formerly of Leicester, Brookfield and Worcester, died Friday, Feb. 29, in the Meadows of Leicester, surrounded by his loving family, after an illness.

His wife of 54 years Irene P. (Hebert) Ricci died in 1998. He leaves a daughter, Therese M. Sauro with whom he lived; a son, Francis H. Cormier of Leicester; a daughter, Pauline R. Merhib of Leicester; 20 grandchildren, 50 great-grandchildren, 4 great-great-grandchildren and 2 nephews. He is pre-deceased by brothers Guido and Armando Ricci and a son, Raymond A. Cormier.

These Walls That Surround Me

Walls are built for protection. Protection against many things such as the elements or people. I built walls (not literally) as protection. Some who know me well would say the wall I have built is about the size of the Great Wall. Nothing to be proud of by the way.

I've been hurt, we all have and we all deal with it in different ways. Mine methods would be the walls I've built, letting very few people in the secret door and even more common sarcasm. Some say if you are from the East Coast, you are born with it.

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately, my way of dealing with things, and I think it hit me a little harder when I posted the "Tour Bus For One" blog. I'm not sad or anything, actually while writing this I'm in a pretty good mood.

The Wall:

I let few people in, very few actually. Why? Fear. There are plenty of people that I will let in to an extent and be social and have a somewhat superficial relationship, but when it comes down to getting to really know me, knowing those things that make me tick or even smile...that is where the few people come in. I hide behind my camera, books, movies and music. Some (ok including myself) would say I'm anti-social, a loner, better off alone etc and to some extent they are true. I enjoy my time, I don't like crowds of people, I do enjoy going out but don't mind being a home-body at all.

For those who are close to me I will open up, share whats actually going on with me, the good and the bad. With them the fear of rejection and humiliation is a lot less than with others. These people I know will not turn their backs, will accept me as I am. To me these people are hard to come by. Maybe its because I don't trust people much, that I don't get to see the potential of them, but again its fear that holds me back. I will bend over backwards for these people and give the shirt off my back if needed, and in doing so not expect anything in return. I value these people so much and have learned a lot from them and our relationships.

I love to give things (not always have the means to do it but I enjoy it). I've learned over the years that people will fail you (I will fail you and you will fail me, its reality), so I do my best not to expect anything in return.

Sarcasm:

I use this way to much. It keeps people at a safe distance. I figure if I keep them at that distance (what ever it may be), there is less of a chance for me to get hurt. The hard part is how to not be so sarcastic...

Recently a friend asked me some questions and of course I can spit out any sarcastic smart ass answer and come up with a huge list for you, but when it boiled down to giving an honest answer...I couldn't bring myself to do it. (And sadly this person is one who knows me well and I've let in but obviously not all the way). Why did I hold back (AGAIN)? Probably because this question was leading to a place where even fewer get let in...a place where I am extremely vulnerable. Part of me just wanted to bust out the truth with these answers but was so afraid of laughter on their end, I didn't do it.

After this conversation a huge part of me wants to just throw the towel in, break down the walls and go out there and see what happens...hopefully I'll get there. I guess one day at a time, just keep chipping away. Seriously, whats the worst that can happen...I'll be disappointed? (to this person I've very thankful)

"Here's to living in the moment..." (jimmy eat world)

Stormy Skies

I know I shouldn't complain because everyone back home is getting slammed with snow, but I'm starting to get sick of our rain. I guess this is the extent of our storms out here, which is kind of sad if you stop to think of it...no thunder, no lightning, just rain and some winds, but nothing compared to back home. Last year we did get a few small hail storms, but that was it. I have to admit I actually miss thunder, especially on a hot summer night when it shakes your whole house. For now I guess its just rain. I have to say though, there is one thing I look forward to during these so called storms...the amazing skies and clouds.

Last night Luke and I went up to the roof of his work to take some photos and above are two that I took. It was cold as heck but worth it in my opinion. The sky was breathtaking.

Not much going on around here, sorry for the lack of updates.

"Tour Bus Built For One"

I saw this card last night, bought it and put it in a frame, sadly this speaks volumes about me...

"She wasn't much of a joiner. She hated groups, clubs, sororities, memberships, organizations, societies, gangs, crews, mobs, posses, crowds etc. She preferred to exist as a self-contained unit - a solo artist - on a tour bus built for one."

(Got to love hallmark)

LOVE

The picture above may be a bit odd or even disturbing to some people, but please read on and I will explain.

I chose today to write about this for two reasons, I received an invite on Facebook to attend Love is the Movement (February 13) with an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms and because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. (suicide rates are at their highest during this time of year)

Many of you who will read this know the story or at lest some of it. Some of which you may try to forget and pretend it doesn’t exits and some of you may be learning of this for the first time. I on the other hand will never forget this and am daily reminded by the scars on my wrist (picture above). I won’t go into all the details because this could go on for a long time.

For years I suffered with depression, suicide and cutting issues. It started when I was pretty young and continued on until my early twenties. Most of my depression and rebellion was blamed on my parent’s divorce, moving around and all the stress that caused. I was sent to see school counselors, and others not in the school system. Me being the stubborn person I am, decided I didn’t need to talk to them or try to work out any of my “issues”. Instead I turned to cutting…figuring a physical wound would justify the pain of the emotional ones.

The firs time I attempted suicide it was my wrists that I cut, then I attempted my neck and eventually gave up on the suicide attempts and just started cutting. Again with my wrists, my ankles, and any other place you couldn’t notice very well. Most of these attempts were when I was home, in the next room from family…after coming to my sense and realizing this wasn’t the answer I would just jump in the shower, try to wipe it all away and go on pretending life was just fine.

Now, I know people reading this are thinking a few things right now and some common thoughts to stories such as these are:
“This is stupid”, “ Why would anyone ever do such a thing”, “There is more to life than this”, “People who do this are dumb” etc…. Oh I’ve heard it all let me tell you. But from a person who has dealt with this, let me just say, its not as easy as you think. Yes, obviously there is more to life than this but when you are so depressed you don’t see those options. You don’t see those around you who love you and want to help you. You have tunnel vision. You think the world would be a better place with out you, but truth is…it won’t be. You are here for a reason, we all are. So instead of these comments, and if you know someone who is hurting in this way…help them. Reach out a hand and just love them. Don’t tell them they are wrong and stupid, Try LOVE and a bit of GRACE.

It has been almost six years since I have attempted anything or cut myself. Its been a long hard journey but a good one that has taught me a lot of things not just about myself but God.

I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I am good now, I’ve grown and realized that yes there is more out there and there’s a plan and a purpose for me being here. I have always been an open book…ask me a question and I’ll answer. But I do write this for people who are suffering, have suffered, or you have a friend or loved one in a situation like this…there is hope!! One resource is an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms Please take a few minutes to check them out! They are amazing in what they do and I wish that when I was dealing with this they were around.

The picture above is of my wrist with the areas of some of my scars highlighted in red.