These Walls That Surround Me

Walls are built for protection. Protection against many things such as the elements or people. I built walls (not literally) as protection. Some who know me well would say the wall I have built is about the size of the Great Wall. Nothing to be proud of by the way.

I've been hurt, we all have and we all deal with it in different ways. Mine methods would be the walls I've built, letting very few people in the secret door and even more common sarcasm. Some say if you are from the East Coast, you are born with it.

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately, my way of dealing with things, and I think it hit me a little harder when I posted the "Tour Bus For One" blog. I'm not sad or anything, actually while writing this I'm in a pretty good mood.

The Wall:

I let few people in, very few actually. Why? Fear. There are plenty of people that I will let in to an extent and be social and have a somewhat superficial relationship, but when it comes down to getting to really know me, knowing those things that make me tick or even smile...that is where the few people come in. I hide behind my camera, books, movies and music. Some (ok including myself) would say I'm anti-social, a loner, better off alone etc and to some extent they are true. I enjoy my time, I don't like crowds of people, I do enjoy going out but don't mind being a home-body at all.

For those who are close to me I will open up, share whats actually going on with me, the good and the bad. With them the fear of rejection and humiliation is a lot less than with others. These people I know will not turn their backs, will accept me as I am. To me these people are hard to come by. Maybe its because I don't trust people much, that I don't get to see the potential of them, but again its fear that holds me back. I will bend over backwards for these people and give the shirt off my back if needed, and in doing so not expect anything in return. I value these people so much and have learned a lot from them and our relationships.

I love to give things (not always have the means to do it but I enjoy it). I've learned over the years that people will fail you (I will fail you and you will fail me, its reality), so I do my best not to expect anything in return.

Sarcasm:

I use this way to much. It keeps people at a safe distance. I figure if I keep them at that distance (what ever it may be), there is less of a chance for me to get hurt. The hard part is how to not be so sarcastic...

Recently a friend asked me some questions and of course I can spit out any sarcastic smart ass answer and come up with a huge list for you, but when it boiled down to giving an honest answer...I couldn't bring myself to do it. (And sadly this person is one who knows me well and I've let in but obviously not all the way). Why did I hold back (AGAIN)? Probably because this question was leading to a place where even fewer get let in...a place where I am extremely vulnerable. Part of me just wanted to bust out the truth with these answers but was so afraid of laughter on their end, I didn't do it.

After this conversation a huge part of me wants to just throw the towel in, break down the walls and go out there and see what happens...hopefully I'll get there. I guess one day at a time, just keep chipping away. Seriously, whats the worst that can happen...I'll be disappointed? (to this person I've very thankful)

"Here's to living in the moment..." (jimmy eat world)