Photographs

Chris, Carmel, CA copyright jenny s. manseau 2006

Surfer, Carmel, CA copyright jenny s manseau 2006

"The Pacific" Carmel, CA copyright jenny s. manseau 2006

Dex, Chris and Marcus Big Sure, CA copyright jenny s. manseau 2006

"Copper" Big Sur, CA copyright jenny s. manseau 2006

Lilies

Happy Birthday Dad!!! ~love you!

(to view more photos visit: My Flickr Site)

Well only a few more days and I finally get to meet my nephew Jed! Words can't really express my excitement right now. I'm still getting used to the fact that my sister is a mom! It's hard not being closer during all of this, and realizing that he is going to grow up so far away. I think back to when we were little and all of our aunts and uncles lived relatively close by so we grew up with all of them. It was awesome. Just makes me sad to think I'll be missing most of his life except for maybe Christmas, hopefully some birthdays and a few vacations in between. Guess this is reality.

This trip should be nice and relaxing...just hanging out with Sara, Jay and Jed. I also get to see my Dad, step-mom, little sister and my mom all during the same week! Its like Christmas all over again. I'm looking forward to this vacation...I think I'm due.

With my visit coming up makes me think of how I wish I had someone to travel with. I usually think this around the time I'm about to get on a plane. Its not really fun to travel alone even if it is just across the country. How much better and more exciting would it be to have someone there to talk to? Someone that you actually know? I long for that. I also long for someday getting off that plane and having that guy there to pick me up...flowers or no flowers it would be nice. Someday I guess I'll have both.

Today is Dad's birthday...I'm pretty sure this is only the second one I have missed in my 24 years being on this earth. Its kind of weird. I sent him a print for his birthday...a white daisy with the black background. Sue bought him tickets to go see Roger Waters this September!! So excited for him and slightly jealous at the same time. He's going to be doing Dark Side of the Moon...in its entirety! Talk about an amazing show.

Planning on going to see Shawn McDonald, Paul Wright, Olivia the Band and someone else play next month! Going to be a great show.

This past weekend went to Big Sur with Heather, Chris, Marcus and Dex. I had such a great time. Marcus and Dex are hysterical! I took some photos but haven't put them up yet...I'll work on that soon.

Not too much else going on I guess. Was a bit bored tonight so I took pictures of some Lilies.

Off to bed

Its a Jimmy thing all over again...

copyright jenny s manseau 2006

Work has been pretty stressful this past week. I've been working on doing our inventory over and trying to recreate everything. I had to input all last years info plus this years and its taking me a total of three days at this point! And who ever is reading this is probably bored out of their mind right about now...who really cares about excel spreadsheets??

Have been wicked excited about going to see Augustana. They are playing in San Francisco in June and I was going to buy tickets last week, but was told to wait a bit...and guess what they are sold out. Its a Jimmy Eat World thing all over again. I knew I should of just bought them. Oh well, what am I really going to do? Hope I don't end up missing them five times like I have Jimmy. That would really suck. At least there is still hope to get Dave Matthews or Boston Red Sox tickets! Not a very good day...was really bummed out by this.

My computer has been acting up a little bit...running a little slow so I figured I should start to delete some of the 5,219 photos I have on here. A longer and harder process than I thought it would be. I have this huge fear that I am going to delete something I really wanted or needed and have no way to get it back. So I have been working on creating back up disks of all the photos I think I might get some use out of and then just trashing the ones I know I will never do anything with...most of which I took while at school. I am currently down to 2,793!

Easter was awesome this year. First off Mondo's little brother Lee was in town and he is just awesome. It was like having the little brother I never had for a weekend. Mondo and Lee are so much alike its crazy. I was thinking of Sara and I and we really aren't that much alike (well I don't think so anyway). A bunch of us went out Friday night and saw Bench Warmers...pretty stinkin funny. Saturday Heather and I did some running around and got stuff to cook for the guys on Sunday. That night we all went out to Outback Steak House. I know, at a steak house you should get steak, but I ended up getting shrimp and king crab legs ~ soooo good! I basically just ate those and barely touched my shrimp. Sunday Heather and I cooked for the guys (Mondo, Lee, Chris, Nathan, Jason, Justin, Dustin and two other guys from DLI). Very untraditional Easter Dinner...tri-tip, ribs, salad, green beans with mushrooms, and potato casserole. Yum Yum. Wish Lee could of stayed longer, but we'll see him this summer when Mondo graduates.

Supposed to take photos for the Next Gen website this Sunday. Pray it goes well, a bit nervous.

I leave in a week from Sunday to go to Maryland to visit, Sara, Jason and Jed! I can't wait to finally see him and be able to hold him. I also get to see my Dad, step-mom, little sister and mom while I'm there! Should be a nice vacation.

So thats life in a nut shell...for the past week or so.

Why...

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

This week, week and a half has been a bit rough. Just dealing with some stuff internally and just run down feeling. Ever have those days when you feel like you have become one of those people that you dislike or that you have become the worst version of yourself? No matter what you do or say you feel like a failure?

There are so many things I've done and continue to do that I'm not proud of. I judge myself so much more than anyone else will ever judge me. I am my own worst critic. I try to stop it but it gets the best of me, this feeling of worthlessness. I feel broken. I know I've been forgiven, but why can I not forgive myself? Why? I know there is One that can take that away...its God, but why is He always my last resort? Why am I so stubborn to say that "I need you?". How have I become this prideful, to think I can handle all things on my own...the small and the big, when knowing deep down inside I can't, and if I attempt it I will fail, yet again? When will I ever learn? I know I'm not perfect and I never will be. Why do I feel the need to take matters into my own hands instead of just releasing them for one final time and not pick them up again? Why do I hang on to so much anger and hurt? Its not doing me any good, never has and I'm pretty sure it never will. I know I have come such a long way from where I was before, but somedays its so hard for me to see that and truly realize it.

Somedays I just want to scream and cry...just let it all out.

I'm pretty sure no one really reads this anymore, and I'm not actually looking for answers, just letting out some thoughts I guess.

Jedidiah David Sparks

IMG_7288
Originally uploaded by jsjsparks.

I'm an Auntie! Jed was born on April 4th, 2006 at 4:34 pm. 6lb 14oz and 20 inches long!

He's beautiful, heathly and has amazing parents! I can't wait to fly out to meet him in a few weeks.

Beautiful...

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful 
Make you stand in awe 
Look inside my heart, 
and be amazed 
I want to hear you say 
Who I am is quite enough 
Just want to be worthy of love 
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Beautiful - Bethan Dillon

Very Sad Day

Just found out that Adam Vinatieri left the patriots and signed on with the Colts! On top of that they also lost Willie McGinest and David Givens. They are turning in to the Red Sox with all the good players leaving, guess we'll see what happens during the season.

Originally uploaded by Jenny Jen-e.

Lost

"I'd love to be the shoulder that you cry on...I'd love to be the friend you call when things aren't great..." (The Closest Thing~The Juliana Theory)

Not to much going on right now. Working on getting back into taking pictures still. Its actually a longer harder process that I expected. I find myself holding back and analyzing everything instead of just shooting what catches my eye. I keep telling myself that I'm not doing this to impress anyone anymore and to fit into their opinions or ideas of what my work and style should be. I just feel like I lost part of me and I'm trying to find it again. I don't know why I'm holding back so much...its not like I'm using film, its digital, so I can easly burn through several hundred shots and just delet them, but getting to the point of holding down the button all the way is hard.

I downloaded the last episode of The Office...so stink funny!

Well I'm going to hit the sac early tonight, night everyone.

Songs

I was at the laundry mat doing my laundry today and listening to my iPod on shuffle and when certian songs came on memories just came flooding back to me. Does this ever happen to anyone else? That when you hear a song or a lyric from a song that it brings you back to a place, a time in the past or a memory...good or bad? "Around Here" by the Counting Crows came on first and I had a grin on my face from ear to ear and started to laugh a little. Anytime I hear that song (or pretty much anything from the August and Everything After cd) I think of Franklin. Living with Gramma Lu and Grampa Ted. I think of Sara. I think of Conlyn Ave and the friends we had there. Its funny how some songs make you think of things.

Anytime I hear the first note of Pink Floyd's Money I think of my Dad and always will...that is "our song". Very untraditional but we are untraditional.

"P. S. We'll call when we get there" by the Juliana Theory reminds me of when Jay, Matt, Adam Lizzy and I went to Boston to see them.

"Shifting Sand" by Cademon's Call reminds me of Nate Damon. About five or so years ago we tried to do a little "coffee shop/open mic night" at my old church and Nate and one of his friends from college got up and preformed that song and it was amazing.

I could go on forever with this but I won't bore all of you who are reading this.

Somedays I feel like song lyrics can better describe my life than I can. If I could just explain my life story in song lyrics I would.

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Thunder and Lightning

I've lived here for almost a year now (wow ). Tonight was the first time I heard thunder and saw lightning. Its so weird to think that on this coast we don't really get those kinds of storms where back East they can get pretty nasty. This thunder and lightning lasted all of five seconds, so not comparable to the East coast. I think the loudest, scariest and most beautiful lightning storms I've ever seen were when I was in Haiti...it seemd liked we had one just about every night. I actually kind of miss having them.

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So far its been a pretty laid back weekend which is kind of nice. I feel like I'm usually busy during the week and not so much on the weekends. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I'm enjoying the laziness of the weekend. Its been raining like crazy, so its been cool here and I just want to curl up on the couch and watch a dvd or read a good book. I watched the Breakfast Club tonight. I've read all the books on my book shelves, so not much selection there any more.

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What's wrong baby, don't they treat you like they should?
Did you take �em for it?
Every penny that you could?
We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand.
Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things then only to pretend.
Don't you know I'm thinkin�, drivin� 405 past midnight.
You know I miss you.
Don't you know that I miss you?
Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night.
I would write to you from a museum mile, toast to you:
your whisper, your smile.
Up the stairs at the Weatherford, a ghost each place I hide.
If you don't don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
And I need this now more than I ever did.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.
I left you waiting, at the least could we be friends?
Should have never started, ain't that the way it always ends?
On my life I'll try today, there's so much I've felt I should say, but.
Even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain.
If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.
So here we are now, a sip of wine a sip of water.
Someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter.
And I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get and,
took everything you let me have and then I never loved you back.
If you don't don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean the please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight?
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now yeah need this, need this.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't
And if you don't well, honey, then you don't
If you don't know, honey, honey, then you don't.

If you don't, don't~Jimmy Eat World