Why...

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

This week, week and a half has been a bit rough. Just dealing with some stuff internally and just run down feeling. Ever have those days when you feel like you have become one of those people that you dislike or that you have become the worst version of yourself? No matter what you do or say you feel like a failure?

There are so many things I've done and continue to do that I'm not proud of. I judge myself so much more than anyone else will ever judge me. I am my own worst critic. I try to stop it but it gets the best of me, this feeling of worthlessness. I feel broken. I know I've been forgiven, but why can I not forgive myself? Why? I know there is One that can take that away...its God, but why is He always my last resort? Why am I so stubborn to say that "I need you?". How have I become this prideful, to think I can handle all things on my own...the small and the big, when knowing deep down inside I can't, and if I attempt it I will fail, yet again? When will I ever learn? I know I'm not perfect and I never will be. Why do I feel the need to take matters into my own hands instead of just releasing them for one final time and not pick them up again? Why do I hang on to so much anger and hurt? Its not doing me any good, never has and I'm pretty sure it never will. I know I have come such a long way from where I was before, but somedays its so hard for me to see that and truly realize it.

Somedays I just want to scream and cry...just let it all out.

I'm pretty sure no one really reads this anymore, and I'm not actually looking for answers, just letting out some thoughts I guess.